florence headband

(no subject)

I'm sorry for everything
Oh, everything I've done
From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun
And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved
Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved
florence headband

(no subject)

So I also found out my bio mom's half brother is a pretty awesome musician. His band is pretty legit, too. They've toured all over and even played Warped Tour one year. They are called Minshara. Go check them out! Their album is on Youtube and iTunes. I went to see them last night. It's amazing how much he and I look alike. We even have some of the same mannerisms and geeky sense of humor. He was pretty busy since they were shooting a music video for their new single so I didn't get a chance to talk to him. I would like to one day, though. He would have been cool to grow up with. He was born a year or two after me, and I have a feeling that may have been part of the reason my birth mom gave me up. Her mom was probably pregnant at the time, too.

Idk. Maybe I should just contact her and get all this shit ironed out.
florence headband

(no subject)

so idk if anyone is still here, but i need some advice.

back in november, i finally received my original birth certificate with my birth mother and birth father's names on it.

i found my birth mother via google and facebook. her name is dawn and i look a hell of a lot like her. the weirdest part is right now she lives about 20 mins from me. she works at the school district where i live. she also lived in a couple other towns that i did over the years. it's almost like she was keeping tabs on me. (or is it concidence?)

im having a tough time deciding if i should contact her or not. in my searching over the years, i never found one indication that she was looking for me. that could mean a lot of things though - she may not have known that those resources were at her disposal.

im just worried about being rejected. or getting hurt. or hurting her because im sure giving me up at such a young age took her a long time to get over. i was contacted on ancestry DNA by a cousin who is related to my birth grandmother and she confirmed that dawn is my birth mother.

i havent found anything on my birth father and only one person comes up when i google the name and that person is too old to be him.

i just need some input. idk what to do.
avan jogia

(no subject)

i think i really need to disconnect. from everything.

all of the things going on in my country are just too triggering. every day i become more fearful of the plans we've made for this year and our future.

gonna get back to the gym and back on 21 day fix. it worked for me the first time. i want to be healthy again. i want to look acceptable for the trip my husband and i have booked for june. i want to be able to actually do stuff when we are there.

ugh. wish me luck.
avan jogia

(no subject)

We finally got a little more info on what's happening with my work.

We've lost a couple clients but also gained some, so the work load will even out. They aren't sure revenue wise. They said there were no plans to close the office. Our boss said it's up to us if we want to ride this out or jump ship.

I'm feeling conflicted about that.

What if I ride this out only for them to say they are closing us down at the end of it? I've been looking for a new job but I don't feel pressured to do it. Had a couple interviews but nothing came of them.

Idk what to do..
avan jogia

(no subject)

So I found out over Christmas that my parents have made my younger sister executor of their will.

They didn't even ask me about it. I'm not sure how to feel. I don't know if they asked my older brother, either.

Did they not ask because they know I don't handle death well?

Do they not trust me with their estate? Do they not think I would make the appropriate decisions? Why not make all three of us co-executors so we all have a say in what happens?

My feelings are just a bit hurt because they didn't give me a chance to say no.

It's kind of re-affirmed something I've long thought about my parents: they favor my sister over me and my brother. She is, after all, their biological child.

Sometimes I wish my parents had never told me about being adopted. It drove a wedge between me and them, although I don't think they intended for that to happen, but all my life I've felt they treated me differently, even if it was just subtle actions.

Or maybe it's my own hangup about not being blood tied to them. I've always kept them at arm's length. I spent most of my teen and college years trying to get away from them, but now, the thought of not having them around makes me sick to my stomach.

Idk. Am I being stupid?

I've started doing voice memos on my phone. If I'm laying in bed at night and I can't sleep and start thinking about stuff, I'll record a sort of confessional. I think therapy is going to be a good thing for me. I do have to stop bottling everything up and then letting it come to a head when something triggers me. I need an impartial party to talk to, so that excludes my husband. I start on Monday. I hope this doctor isn't some quack. I hope he supports using medical marijuana for my anxiety (once they add it to the list of qualifying disorders in my state).

Speaking of my being adopted, I found out that my state finally passed and signed HB 162 into law. It would restore original birth certificates to adoptees. The only caveat is, the birth parents can request to have their names redacted if they don't want their identities revealed. I'm hoping my birth parents don't know about this and I finally get to find out who they are. My search has not gone well and I really haven't been getting anywhere. I can apply for the certificate anytime after November 1. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.
merry cowmas

(no subject)


Why does this always happen to me?

I thought I'd finally found a place that I could work at a long time, and eventually retire from. I thought this was a stable company.

But nooooo. Life won't allow me to have stability for some reason.

Yesterday, I found out that the company I work for has been sold. They knew about this since September and were forced to sit on it. Worst of all, it's been sold to some healthcare corporation with a former Goldman Sachs guy for a CEO. I know how these things go. Unless a condition of the sale was keeping everyone on staff, we are all fair game. I could potentially lose my job, which is something I am not prepared to deal with at this point. I'm still trying to work through all the crap that the election dredged up for me. I have a feeling they will come in and clean house or close the office and send all of our work to their Pittsburgh office.

This is why I loathe working for other people. There is no loyalty anymore. Even the most wonderful employer will throw his employees under the bus for enough money. I hate the business world. I wish I could figure out a way to work for myself. Or not work at all.

Guess I really need to start busting my ass on my novel, then...
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stefan drink up

(no subject)

I'm having a hard time accepting that this is going to be my life for the next 4-8 years. All these terrible things going on are going to be a constant.

I predicted the future with the book I'm writing.

I'm scared af, y'all.
stefan drink up

Is anyone still here?

First post in a long time...

I think I can finally form some coherent thoughts about the 2016 election.

I had such hope.

I had such hope that sanity would prevail and people would see Trump for the personified evil that he is, but no. That didn't happen.

All the ideals I had about America that I'd been told growing up were crushed in this election. All the history books telling me how great America is and how we're the prototype for a free society was A LIE. This country is far more racist, bigoted and sexist that I could have ever imagined. We are not free. Not when the electoral college chooses our leaders for us. Not when we're being spied on by our own government even if we do nothing wrong. Not when people are enslaved by medical/student debt. Not when people are being paid low wages for longer hours of work. Not when people are having to work 2 or 3 jobs to barely scrape by to the detriment of their health and their families. Not when we are bombing people who have never done anything to us other than be a different race and/or religion. Not when people of color cannot interact with police forces without dying.

And after seeing the stories about hate crimes in the hours after Trump was declared president-elect, I've found I've been so naive about my fellow countrymen. It's a hard pill to swallow. I always try to see the good in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, but I now believe people are inherently evil and being a good person is taught.

The reality of it is, this country is not great, and it never has been. It was built on the backs of indentured servants stolen from their homeland or tricked into becoming one with the promise of freedom. It was built on top of the bones of an entire people (the First Nations) for the benefit of the white people who wanted to move west. This country has never been inclusive, and as long as we have people in the public eye, news networks and internet websites and radio shows all dedicated to scapegoating "the other," this country will never be inclusive of all peoples of all races, sexual orientations, genders, economic statuses, etc. As long as people are given a platform or avenue to keep others down, things will never change.

I cannot stomach this miscreant as president. Until Tuesday, I had my anxiety and panic attacks under control without medication. The days since then, I have been an absolute mess. My job is in jeopardy if the ACA is dismantled. I CANNOT be unemployed again, as many of you have read, it was the worst time of my life, and my mental state back then was a place I don't want to return to. I'm now having to go into therapy because I am terrified of what I'm going to have to live through in the next 4 years. As an empath, it's too much for me to handle. I will probably have to go back on my medication, even though it turned me into a zombie.

I know. tl;dr but I needed a place where I could talk about what I'm feeling post-election. I hope this helps any of my other friends who still use LJ if they are having the same feelings.

If you voted for Trump, get the fuck off my TL. I have zero respect for you and do not wish to associate with you any longer.

Let's expect the worst, but hope for the best.