Log in

No account? Create an account
02 June 2013 @ 05:20 am
i have the craziest dreams sometimes. one night i had one where i found out that my parents haven't been 100% truthful when it came to my adoption, and that my dad was really my dad, but i was the product of an affair. it really makes me think they aren't being so forthcoming. they've said to me on more than one occasion that my birth parents maybe don't want to be found. i might be reading too much into that, but wouldn't you? especially when it's been said multiple times. what if it's something horrible, like my birth mom was raped? or maybe her parents were super high profile people and wanted a nice, neat closed adoption that no one would ever find out about.

i haven't found even one inkling that she (or my birth father) might be looking for me, and i don't blame her. being that young and probably forced into giving a piece of you away probably did a lot of damage, and not trying to find out if i've had a good life is her way of coping with it. but tonight, i was watching this show on oxygen, and it's about birth moms giving their babies up for adoption. it makes me wonder a lot of things: did she hold me at all when i was born? did she cry when she had to hand me over to the social worker? did she put headphones on her belly so i could hear music? did she talk to me at all? did she keep my blanket from the nursery? does she have any piece of me to remind her? has she thought about me at all over the past 33 years? why didn't she want an open adoption? did her parents send her to a maternity home so they wouldn't be embarrassed? what was going through her mind when she found out she was pregnant? did she give me a different name at birth?

i'm calling the courthouse and children and youth to find out how i can go about unsealing my records and getting her name. i don't know that'd contact her or try to reunite with her. i just want to know what she looks like, and if i look anything like her.

the laws in this state are stupid when it comes to adoptees getting their info. you have to jump through hoops and it's not always guaranteed that the birth parents will consent to you knowing who they are. it's ridiculous. i have a right to know these things.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated