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19 January 2017 @ 05:51 pm
So I found out over Christmas that my parents have made my younger sister executor of their will.

They didn't even ask me about it. I'm not sure how to feel. I don't know if they asked my older brother, either.

Did they not ask because they know I don't handle death well?

Do they not trust me with their estate? Do they not think I would make the appropriate decisions? Why not make all three of us co-executors so we all have a say in what happens?

My feelings are just a bit hurt because they didn't give me a chance to say no.

It's kind of re-affirmed something I've long thought about my parents: they favor my sister over me and my brother. She is, after all, their biological child.

Sometimes I wish my parents had never told me about being adopted. It drove a wedge between me and them, although I don't think they intended for that to happen, but all my life I've felt they treated me differently, even if it was just subtle actions.

Or maybe it's my own hangup about not being blood tied to them. I've always kept them at arm's length. I spent most of my teen and college years trying to get away from them, but now, the thought of not having them around makes me sick to my stomach.

Idk. Am I being stupid?

I've started doing voice memos on my phone. If I'm laying in bed at night and I can't sleep and start thinking about stuff, I'll record a sort of confessional. I think therapy is going to be a good thing for me. I do have to stop bottling everything up and then letting it come to a head when something triggers me. I need an impartial party to talk to, so that excludes my husband. I start on Monday. I hope this doctor isn't some quack. I hope he supports using medical marijuana for my anxiety (once they add it to the list of qualifying disorders in my state).

Speaking of my being adopted, I found out that my state finally passed and signed HB 162 into law. It would restore original birth certificates to adoptees. The only caveat is, the birth parents can request to have their names redacted if they don't want their identities revealed. I'm hoping my birth parents don't know about this and I finally get to find out who they are. My search has not gone well and I really haven't been getting anywhere. I can apply for the certificate anytime after November 1. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.